The one thing in life I always wanted, was for my own Mother to love me unconditionally, because that is what a mother does.
I am a mom. I am not a perfect Mom, but I was there, I gave it my best. I had a lot of things going against me while I was raising my children. Some might say I should not have had them, and sometimes I feel the same. But I loved my kids, and I would not let anyone hurt them in any way. But the trauma I experienced as a child and from 6 years of abuse from the kids Dad, stopped me from being what I could or should have been. I wish I could raise them all over again.
But I know I have become a better mom as I got older and have grandkids. There is nothing I would not do for my kids and my grandkids, no matter how old they are, I still find it hard to say no. I absolutely love my family with all my heart and soul.
I came to Ontario when I was 18 years old, which is where my mom lived most of her life without us.
From the moment I started hanging out with my mom, the more I wanted to be just like her. I wanted her to love me the way I was. I thought it was the most amazing thing when I could spend time together with her. I wanted to be close and say I had a mom that cared about me.
I am going to go forward to the present day for a bit. My Mom moved back to Newfoundland a couple of years ago. Before than I would say we spent all our time together, specially when covid started, my mom stayed with me for about 3 months. During the 5 years I would be in Kitchener sometimes, but I spent a lot of time at her place. But when I would go home, she would become cold towards me. She was not the same. And she has always done that, and I do not know why. But I would say we spent the last 2 years together before she moved down home. Sometimes it was me and her and sometimes my Nan would be up visiting. We three quilted together a lot. And when Nan was not there, I was always there.
We got so close; it was the best feeling in the world. I would sometimes just go kiss her and tell her how much I loved her and spending time with her. I do not think there was anything she would not do for me or I for her.
Over the five years we spent a lot of time shopping together. We loved going to Value Village looking for material and we would come home and split everything between us.
Now I never had much money to go shopping. I always felt like I was not good enough, always having no money to buy anything.
My mom always had money; she was good with her money. Sometimes she would buy me things too, but I did not expect her to do that all the time. I loved shopping with her, but I was always broke, same story over and over.
But before the last couple of years my mom would always call me if something happened, and she needed me, and I was always there. I went to Newfoundland when her dad got sick for two weeks to be with her.
When her boyfriend died, she called me, and I was there for her than as well. And when my Nan fell and hurt herself and could not walk. She had a bad fall so my mom called, and I went down right away. I spent a month with them helping with whatever I could. I enjoyed every minute of it. I never knew my grandmother on my mom’s side very well. I was the odd one out. I never felt like I belonged when I went to any gatherings. I would walk in the door, and no one would notice that I had arrived. But if my brother or anyone else came they were there greeting them. I watched this with my own eyes. I went to gatherings because my mom asked me to go with her. I did it for her because nobody talked to me only her. I did that for years and until I finally told her I am not coming to any more gatherings. All it does is hurt me every time I go.
That was until my uncle died in newfoundland and I went down there with mom. It was the first time my Uncle Max ever spoke to me directly and had a conversation. I thought, wow, this is so nice. Now I am not saying anything bad about my uncle he was always my favorite even when I never really knew him. I always thought he was the best-looking guy in the family. After that I always felt more welcome around them. I felt like I belonged too. Me and Nan got close when she got hurt. Me and Mom looked after her till she could walk again on her own. That was the first time I ever felt close to her. I loved it and I loved spending time with her, and I still do.
Getting back to my mother. When my kids were growing up my mom would come to Cambridge because her siblings were there. If she happened to stop into my place, it would be for no longer than fifteen minutes. She would not even take her coat off. My kids grew up without having a grandmother, they never saw her enough. But sometimes she would randomly have them over for a night or two. Except on weekends, which was her nights out. What memories the kids have of her is her never being there mostly.
They grew up knowing her as my mom but never got to know her. She never spent much time with them. And they knew how she treated me and that did not go over well with my kids.
But I tried everything to get my mother to like/love me back through the years. I tried to be like her, I was always trying to get her approval all the time. We had our differences, but it was always about wanting her to be a mother. I should have realized that she does not know how. She never raised us, so she did not know much about us.
Before she moved home a couple of years ago, we could not get any closer, where one was the other was.
But when she moved home it was different. I would call her every day and tell her how much I missed her and loved her. It was so lonely after she left.
Mom left her car in the parking lot beside mine until she could get it driven down to her. She asked me to drive it around in the parking lot every day or so, but I was not home all the time. I was gone out of town a lot. Anyway, her battery died, and she got mad at me because I never drove it enough. I did not drive it enough, but I would not hold it against me like she did. She would not talk to me at all. I get mad at my kids, but I could never ever not talk to them for a prolonged period. She said she should have known I was not able to trust me with her car. If that was true, she should have left it with someone else. Anyway, my uncle came down gone the car and brought it to his place. He is more dependable than me. Mom holds grudges against her children. I cannot hold a grudge for the life of me, I even talk to my father and is currently visiting and looking after him since last May. Saying your sorry goes a long way for me. I forgive people easily. I am not sure if me and my mom will ever get back the relationship we had, we have not talked in a long time now. I finally realized my mom has a low opinion of me and always did. I do not know why? I always tried my best with what I had to work with. To be continued at a later date.